Wild Things
by Eilwynn
Summary: "Well, maybe your differences will actually make you a better kunoichi, a surprising one - but in a pleasant way." "Here's hoping." Fem Naruto full series rewrite. NaruGaa / Naruto x Gaara. Part of the Do It Like A Dude series.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Notes: This is the Naruto part of a four-part anime fem series. I will be writing four fem stories at the same time - one for Naruto, one for Bleach, one for Fullmetal Alchemist, and one for Yu-Gi-Oh! All my fanfic writing resources will be devoted to this project. It sounds like a lot to take on, but don't worry. I have it all planned and scheduled out. Over the next few days, I will be uploading the first "introductory" chapter of each story.

What do I mean by "introductory?" I mean that any mangaka is, for their first chapter, allowed at least twice the number of pages a weekly chapter would usually have. So the first chapter of any manga is typically separated into two sections. In one section, the main character is somehow introduced. In the second section, the plot is somehow introduced. How long each section is depends on the mangaka. (This novelized and changed first section filled nine pages, single spaced and twelve point font, and for a manga introduction it was _tiny_.)

So for each of these stories, I will be uploading the "character introduction" and "plot introduction" in separate segments. Character introduction comes first, for all four stories in a row. Then we get to plot introduction in the second chapter of each story in a row. In other words, this is the "character introduction" for my fem Naruto.

A few other notes: This story is mangaverse and in first person. Please do give the first person a chance. It's actually my best point of view. Each fem story title is based off of a song, but this entire project title is also based off of a song. The project is entitled _Do It Like A Dude_ , from the song by Jessie J. Warning - if there even is a non explicit version, they'd have to edit out about half the song. With that said, definitely do check it out.

Without further ado, here's chapter one.

* * *

 **Part 1 of Do It Like A Dude**

 _ **Wild Things**_

 _"Find table spaces, say your social graces_

 _Bow your head, they're pious here_

 _But you and I, we're pioneers, we make our own rules_

 _Our own room, no bias here_

 _Let 'em sell what they are sellin', there are no buyers here_

 _So gather all the rebels now, we'll rebel-rouse and sing aloud_

 _We don't care what they say no way, no way_

 _And we will leave the empty chairs to those who say we can't sit there_

 _We're fine all by ourselves_

 _So hey, we brought our drum and this is how we dance_

 _No mistakin', we make our breaks, if you don't like our 808s_

 _Then leave us alone, 'cause we don't need your policies_

 _We have no apologies for being_

 _Find me where the wild things are (oh my, we'll be alright, don't mind us)_

 _Find me where the wild things are (oh my, we'll be just fine, don't mind us, yeah)_

 _Find me where the wild things are_

 _I lose my balance on these eggshells_

 _You tell me to tread, I'd rather be a wild one instead_

 _Don't wanna hang around the in-crowd_

 _The cool kids aren't cool to me_

 _They're not cooler than we are"_

 _ **-** "Wild Things" by Alessia Cara_

* * *

Chapter One

 _One day there appeared a nine-tailed demon fox. Its mighty tails could crumble mountains and cause tsunamis. To fight the demon, the people of the village that the demon had attacked assembled all their shinobi. One brave shinobi was able to seal the demon away, but he lost his life in the process._

 _This shinobi was called the Fourth Hokage._

I heard that story a lot in my village growing up. Our great leader, the Fourth Hokage. I never thought much of it. Not then.

But I sound so serious. Let's start with something more fun, yeah?

* * *

Twelve years old.

I ran through the dewy early morning village, down the tree-lined dirt roads past the white plaster buildings with their swirling multi-colored roofs. My goal was the massive monument in front of me, a sandstone carving with the faces of all current and previous Hokage looming up out of the center of Konoha. But I made a stop by a massive wooden post. I looked up at the post, framed by a pearly sky.

Then I fashioned a trap.

Taking out some of my shinobi Academy equipment, I rigged a kind of harness. When the village started bustling with morning business, I thought with glee, someone would trip this nearly invisible trigger wire and a massive weapon would go right through the center of the post, leaving it to fall over with a crash before the petrified person. Ha! But that wasn't the point of the trap.

I moved on toward the Hokage Monument.

I ran up the back steps curling around the behind of the monument, what I thought of cheerfully as the Hokages' butts. I stood atop the heads, looking out over all of Konoha so small below me, the dark green forests beyond the housing, and the sunrise peeking above the circular wooden village wall, which was painted lovely, glowing shades of gold, pink, and orange. Perfect for a canvas, but right now I didn't have any time to be getting distracted with pretty sunrises. I kneeled down, tying one end of a strip of ninja wire to the belt loop of my short orange kunoichi dress. My hips were pretty big - actually, I was small and all of my curves were pretty big, with wide, muscular, tan calves - so I had a lot of room to work with.

I tied the other end of the ninja wire to the ending loop of a kunai knife. I looked down, searching for a good spot… and with a wide, shit-eating grin, my whisker cheek markings and sharp incisor teeth on full display, my narrow mischievous blue eyes becoming mere slits in my round face - I stuck the kunai knife right in the Fourth Hokage's eyebrow.

See, here was the thing. Everyone insisted the Hokage Monument was sacred. And I was pretty sure that was a gigantic load of bullshit. Time to make a statement and incite a little rebellion. The fact that this would be a fun adventure was just an added bonus.

I flung myself gracefully, swan-diving, over the edge of the Monument.

The wind rushed by me, blowing my short blonde hair back. The ground of the viewing platform came up before me, faster and faster… And then, with a shout, I stopped short and bounced. The ninja wire held.

I grinned. Hell yeah bungee jumping.

I looked up curiously - and, with a few swings, I swung myself over to the Hokage faces. I unlocked two cans of paint from a standard issue storage scroll with its accompanying seal, and I started my work.

I had decided I took issue with the fact that all the Hokage so far had been men. I intended to buck that trend, and so I painted all the Hokages' faces over so that they looked like beautiful, traditional geisha women. I was a fair painter, it was one of my hobbies, and so my efforts managed to look at least passable. I snickered and got paint all over myself as I worked.

And _there_ was the shout and the thundering crash. My trap had just been triggered. Perfect.

Soon there were shouts below me. People gathered. Then a whole crowd gathered. It didn't help that I was still laughing as I worked. General reactions to my troublemaking were always pretty fantastic. I saw out of the corner of my eye two adult ninja in leaf green flak vests and hitai-ate Konoha marker bands pale and then run off - probably to get Grandpa Hokage.

The usual shouts echoed below me. "Hooligan!"

 _"Why_ is she doing all this?"

"You'll pay for it this time!"

"My God, _look_ at that… That's _heresy…_ "

"She made them look like women!"

"Read it and weep, gentlemen!" I shouted down below me, grinning openly. All eyes were on me and I wasn't going to lie - it felt good. "This is the future! Crossdressing men and heretic women!"

"Shut up, Uzumaki!" one of the men spat, irate. "What do _you_ know?!"

Grandpa Hokage had appeared in the midst of the crowd below on the viewing platform. A little old man with a wrinkled brown face, a silver goatee, and a wood pipe in official red and white robes and conical hat, he looked more quietly and mutedly annoyed and indignant than he did outright angry. I distinctly saw him grumble to himself a little. His lips moved, though no one heard him.

He was used to me and my antics. He was the one whose village council paid for my apartment and my monthly checks as a "ward of the state." And I'd been a "ward of the state" all my life. Parents died when I was born, on the night of the demon attack; the usual tragic bullshit.

"What has she done now?" a new voice said, exasperated.

"Ah. Iruka," said the Hokage pleasantly.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING DURING ACADEMY CLASS TIME, YOU MORON?! GET DOWN FROM THERE!"

I looked down. The man standing next to Grandpa Hokage had puffed up to twice his usual size in fury as he glared daggers up at me. He had a ponytail of brown hair, a leaf green flak vest, a hitai-ate band, and a wide scar across the nose of his surprisingly young face.

"Ah. Iruka-sensei. You're here," I said curiously.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY?!"

"Well I am not a moron!" I said with mild indignation. "I am making both a political statement and a point. This Monument is supposed to be sacred and yet -" I raised my hands and looked up at the sky as everyone glared at me. "No thunderbolt from above."

"I know you're trying to be a revolutionary, Fumika, but it doesn't really work on a twelve year old girl," said the Hokage, deadpan. "Now come down here with your Shinobi Academy teacher."

"Well… Okay!" I shrugged cheerfully, let myself go, and as everyone screamed I jumped down and landed neatly in front of Iruka, beaming.

"What… just like that?" he said suspiciously.

"Yup! But it looks like the back road is closed off due to a pole falling, so you're going to have to take me straight through downtown if you want me back at the Academy." I held out my wrists to be tied up and gave my best girlish smile, cackling inwardly.

Both Iruka-sensei and the Hokage gave me a thunderous glare.

But I was tied up by the wrists and led, my head held high and my tough face firmly in place, straight through downtown. We passed by the market crowds in silence. Everyone saw me led away by Iruka-sensei; people whispered behind their hands at me as I passed.

"Look at what that monster did again."

"That _thing_ … it's almost like it _enjoys_ all this attention…"

I felt the cold, hateful glares everywhere, and I moved on.

* * *

The Academy was a long, rambling set of white plaster buildings with red roofs and the Fire Country symbol, surrounded by fields and trees. Iruka-sensei led me up the steps, through the halls, and back into the usual classroom.

It had rows of three-person tables arranged in tiers, leading all the way up to the top of the room. The floor and walls were wood; massive windows let in light on the left side of the classroom if you were sitting in a seat. Iruka-sensei's teacher's desk, a blackboard, and a massive space were up at the front; it was here Iruka-sensei led me to.

He stood me in front of him and the entire class, my wrists still tied, and started yelling at me. I scowled.

"Tomorrow is the graduation exam into the shinobi forces! The test is only offered three times a year and you failed the last two times!" Iruka snapped. "This isn't the time to be skipping class and causing trouble!"

"Look, Iruka-sensei, I don't mean to tell you how to run your classroom. But if you think this is actually going to _help_ anything, you need some serious child management classes," I said frankly. There were a few snickers from the surrounding students.

 _"That's what you got out of that?!"_

"Why?" I said, staring at him flatly. "Was I supposed to get something else?"

Iruka-sensei growled - then whirled to the class. "Pop quiz on Henge no Jutsu!" he snapped. "Everyone line up and transform perfectly into me!"

There were great shouts and moans from the class and I became even less popular. _Yay._

I was untied and we were all set in a line at the front of the room. One by one, students came up to transform, each turning into a carbon copy of Iruka. He marked them off on a clipboard and then the next person came up.

"You know, Uzumaki, this is all _your_ fault," a guy next to me muttered to me. I was getting several glares from down the line.

"Does it look like I give a damn? I wouldn't want to be giving off a false impression," I said mercilessly, all business.

"Uzumaki Fumika!"

"I'm up," I said, and I walked forward. I transformed - and became a caricature Iruka with a stick shoved up his ass.

"Uzumaki!" He stormed forward.

I grinned and transformed into an Iruka with giant fish lips.

Grinned and transformed into an Iruka with weirdly stretched eyes and mouth.

He was almost at me - and I transformed into a dead zombie corpse with its entrails visible, an image so horrible, so vile, and so detailed that three students leaned over and threw up. Iruka paled, so close he'd gotten the full view and scent of it - and he passed right out.

I transformed back into myself. "Wow, I was right," I said matter of factly, staring down at him. "My self-invented Gore no Jutsu really works."

"UZUMAKI!"

I leaned my head back and laughed.

* * *

After school, I was put on scaffolding with a bucket of soapy water and a scrub brush. My punishment was to scrub off all the paint I'd put on the Monument, total my masterpiece. These plebeians. They had no respect for true art.

I grumbled to myself as I scrubbed the paint away.

Iruka, who was sitting atop the Monument above me to make sure I didn't just run off (which I found rather insulting, because I _always_ took responsibility for my actions), shouted, "I won't let you go until this entire Monument is clean!"

"Well, no shit!" I glared up at him, squinting against the sun. "Besides, who cares? I can eat whenever I want; no one's waiting or worrying for me at home anyway!"

I went back to scrubbing.

"... Fumika." Iruka-sensei's tone was strange this time, quiet.

"Now what?" I glared back up at him. "You know, you tell me to clean and then I try to clean and you keep interrupting me -"

"How about tonight, instead of eating alone, I treat you to some ramen? I'll pay. Think of it as your reward for cleaning up the Monument."

"Hell yeah!" I said excitedly. "Ichiraku's all the way! Teuchi-oji-san is the only guy in all of Konoha whose cooking is better than mine!"

"How modest of you," said Iruka dryly. "You cook?"

"And bake. And garden. I do lots of girly household stuff around my apartment, so you can stop looking at me like I'm not telling the truth; it's just rude," I said firmly.

"... Right," he said, smiling uneasily but seeming genuinely amused. "Well - finish up and do it well and we'll go to Ichiraku's."

"Good motivation. You haven't been reading those child management books already, have you?"

"Uzumaki!"

"I know. Cleaning. Cleaning."

* * *

Konoha's winding web of street corners was lit by paper lanterns at night. Ichiraku's was over on 45th.

Ichiraku's was a small, homey place, and my absolute favorite. It had a cloth doorway which led into a shining wood bar with an open kitchen. Everyone sat on barstools at the bar. They were served by Ayame-nee-chan, and then the delectable ramen was cooked in the open kitchens by Teuchi-oji-san and bowled out to the customers.

As was custom, Iruka-sensei and I both finished our ramen before we began talking.

"Fumika, why would you do that to the Monument?" said Iruka-sensei intently, leaning forward. "I mean, do you even know who the Hokage _are_?"

"Of course I do! They're the best shinobi in the village, so they're voted in to lead. And the Fourth was a hero who protected Konoha from a demon fox attack twelve years ago," I said matter of factly.

"Then why -?"

"I wanted people to see me take a stand," I said.

"I'm going to pretend you didn't just implicate yourself in that fallen pole." Iruka-sensei glared at me.

I laughed uneasily. Then I became more serious. "Really, though. I'm going to be Hokage one day. Get everyone to acknowledge me and surpass all the previous Hokage. And I'm going to do it _despite_ being a woman. I wanted to protest the fact that all the previous Hokage are men!"

"You could have done that some other way."

"What other way? I'm a twelve-year-old girl and no one likes me, Iruka-sensei. I don't even have any parents to intervene for me. I had to get my message across _some_ way," I said, frustrated, as though this should be obvious. "By the way… Can I try on your hitai-ate?" I smiled and leaned forward winningly.

"This?" Iruka pointed to the dark cloth band wrapped around his forehead, with its metal plate showing the Konoha insignia. The only rule was that it had to be worn somewhere visible on the body.

"Yeah! I want to know what it feels like to wear one!" I frowned indignantly.

"This is proof that you graduated and you're a real shinobi," Iruka-sensei laughed. "I can't just _give_ it to you to try on. You'll get yours at the graduation exam tomorrow."

I sighed and slumped against the counter. " _Fine._ I'm wasting away… I'm wasting away without Iruka-sensei's hitai-ate…" I made a weakening voice, raising a trembling hand.

"Ten points for drama," said Iruka-sensei flatly. "But I'm only paying for the ramen."

I sat up straight. "Then I want more food!" I demanded.

Iruka-sensei sighed. "And I reminded her… Why did I remind her?" he asked himself. "Fine. Empty my wallet, why don't you."

I pounded the bar. "Another bowl!" I said firmly. "I need food to be a fit kunoichi girl!"

"Did they teach you that in kunoichi class?" Iruka-sensei asked, amused.

"No." I wrinkled my nose. "They taught me a bunch of easy, boring shit like flower arrangement and tea ceremony in kunoichi class."

"Said the future kunoichi," said Iruka-sensei, deadpan. I felt warm when he assumed I'd become a shinobi tomorrow during the exam, though I'd die choking on a kunai knife before I admitted to it.

"Yeah. I mean, I _was_ good at some of it. Just super unconventional. My flower arrangement was all flirtatious, colorful, super-slanting freestyle moribana. My tea ceremony symbolism and decoration was always bizarrely warm and cheerful for such a supposedly 'serious' and 'solemn' ceremony; I was all smiles when it seemed like everyone else was just trying to pass by looking as constipated as possible. My kimono fashion statements were super avant garde. In shamisen music and Nihon Buyo dance I always chose strange and unconventional subjects, like the drama of a poor rice farmer instead of a story of a woman meeting her future lover by a river and a plum blossom tree. And I preferred ink painting to calligraphy and haiku, because with ink painting I got to be 'messier.'

"I don't think Suzume-sensei ever knew quite what to do with me. She was this really serious, handsome, dark clothed and muted, bespectacled, detailed sort of woman. Not like me at all."

"Well, maybe your differences will actually make you a better kunoichi, a surprising one," Iruka-sensei suggested, "but in a pleasant way."

I smiled weakly as I raised the bowl that had just been placed in front of me. "Here's hoping." And I began to eat.


	2. Moving Accounts Decision

Good news: I will continue to write fanfiction.

Bad news: I will not be doing it on FF.

I have decided FF is not a good environment for my mental state. I never liked it, but since coming back I have not been able to handle it. Ao3 is a much calmer place for my fanfic writing, I have decided after this hiatus, so from now on I will only be posting fics on Ao3. My apologies for the inconvenience.

My Ao3 username is Lyn_Laine, for the interested. I have posted several things, including rewrites of several recent fics that appeared on FF.

Please note: Part of the reason Ao3 is so awesome is that I can moderate every single comment you try to post on any of my given stories. Please also note that if you are anonymous, you will not be able to comment on my stories at all. The only thing you can do, in fact, is give kudos. You can try to reach me through my old FF account, I suppose, but I will not be reading reviews and messages from it anymore.

I know lots of people were really upset by my recent announcements, so I thought I'd put this notice up here for those people. Thank you, and thank you for reading my FF stories.

Signing off,

Eilwynn


End file.
